In an effort to create a kindness movement, I wrote in my recent book, “In Kind: Consciously Create a Meaningful Life and Career,” that we need to redefine the phrase in kind. The expression in kind has two common uses these days, and while they aren’t terrible, I think the phrase needs to adopt a new meaning.

The first meaning has to do with payment. When someone gets paid for their work in kind, it usually refers to payment that isn’t monetary but reflects equal value. For example:

• Volunteers helping prepare for an event receive free tickets to that event.

• Employees getting stock options for work well done, helping them become part owners and gain wealth.

The second meaning refers more to the social context in which if someone treats you badly, you treat them badly in return. For example: Bob hit John and John paid Bob back in kind.

The first meaning has a lot to do with reciprocity, and the second implies downright meanness!

There is no promise of kindness! And that needs to change.

Giving Kindness: A Great Full-Time Habit

Just as I state in the book, we can rebrand the term to mean that we pay others back with the kindest act we can think of in the moment.

The instinct to help others when they are hurting is easy. We help others when suffering. But what about those who are yelling, cutting us off in traffic, or belittling others? Simply put: healthy, happy people don’t do those things. Perhaps they are upset, afraid, or distracted. They are seeing life through a filter, one that is driving them toward goals at the sacrifice of relationships.

Being unconditionally kind no matter the circumstances requires bravery. It should not be understated—it requires courage, self-awareness, and mental fortitude. There is a long period of personal development that precedes the moment when someone is finally fully able to be kind consistently and authentically. It’s not easy when challenging behaviors are right in front of you.

With enough practice in seeing the humanity of the other person—the hurt, the fear, the worry—we can respond to yelling by asking, “Are you okay?” Someone who cuts us off in traffic seems like an enemy at first, but when you think of that person rushing to see a dying relative at the hospital for the last time, it’s much easier to slow down a bit and wish them well on their journey.

A precursor to making this work is to consistently focus on being kind to ourselves. When we ensure that we are mentally and emotionally in an okay place, paying back in kind is easier. We don’t see others’ stressed-out behaviors as having much to do with us. We remove our ego from from the situation. And now, kindness flows out of us like the superpower that it is. It can become our habit to pay others In Kind when we practice these habits and mindfully try to cultivate them.

Once we reach the stage of mental fortitude, we are finally ready to try unconditional kindness. When trying this, we will face hardships, like angry strangers who have vastly different political views who are rude, yelling, and even belittling you. It’s very important that we resist the urge to be mean and instead insist on being kind consistently throughout interactions.

Sure, if there is toxicity bordering on danger, you have to be kind to yourself and leave the situation. But as much as we fear harm might come to us, it rarely does.

A tremendous benefit is that when we hold fast to our value of living In Kind, it helps us shine as an example to others. It teaches them that you do not need to invest in -- and really never benefit from -- fighting fire with fire.